I am writing this to the backdrop of the sound of yet another football match. I am sure that there used to be a football season? Seems to be pretty permanent to me? Oh well, ticks Steve’s boxes.
Fab meeting with the commissioners, lots to plan and papers to write. So I came back full of enthusiasm and positivity, but thought that Steve, whilst happy for me, wasn’t really very keen. That was until he explained how hard it is to plan and look forward to a future that he isn’t sure he is going to be part of. I longed to say ‘of course you will’, ‘don’t be so pessimistic’ – but we don’t really know anything much. I try to stop my head going there – I just blank the thought, knowing that fretting and worrying won’t make any difference. But its not me that its happening to. Dealing with our deepest fears is such a challenge, the fierce bravery of a man that confronts those fears, rationalizes them and moves on is astounding. Its very humbling to find that the man I married is even stronger than I ever imagined.
One of Steve’s fears is not that we won’t manage without him – but that we will. As a mother I can remember thinking something like that when I went away to a Summer School one year. Although I had put everything in place to make their week run smoothly, I still wanted them to need me, I didn’t really want them to be able to get through a week without me. But got through they did.
Its such a huge balance between independence and interdependence. A balance between ‘life must go on’ and ‘I can’t possibly cope’. I never wanted to be in this position and I don’t know how to help and what to do next. All I can do is ‘be there’ and listen. And continue to pray that the drain will stop draining so it can come out, and that the next CT will be clear. One step at a time, one day at a time, one life – live it.